Prank Calls
by rockof90
Summary: Several Resident Evil characters begin receiving disturbing and annoying calls from a 'mysterious' prankster. Reviews appreciated. Chapters in progress.
1. Victim: Vincent

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil

 _So I started playing RE: Survivor again recently and couldn't help but notice how crazy the voice acting is—especially in regards to Vincent's mother, who sounds like the mother of Norman Bates. I came up with a fan theory as to why she sounds way older than she should and this was the result. Enjoy._

…

After a long day of work, the head of the Umbrella research lab on Sheena Island, Vincent Goldman, retreated to his office on the thirteenth floor of the building. Nobody dared to make eye contact with the power hungry man as he made his way out of the elevator, fearing that he may take their glances the wrong way and put them on his personal hit list. Sighs of relief escaped the workers as their boss closed the doors behind him, cutting him off from the outside world.

Vincent sat down at his desk and immediately turned on his computer. The system had barely started when the phone beside him started to ring. He absentmindedly answered, not even bothering to check the number.

"Vincent, it's me, your mother," a high-pitched and frail feminine voice whined. "I want you to leave Umbrella, stop committing those horrible crimes and just come back hooome!"

The blond man let out a very loud groan and pinched the bridge of his nose. He cursed himself for not checking the number earlier. It was not his mother that was calling—instead, it was the same lunatic that had made a recent habit of prank calling him and other employees.

"Nice try, Ashford, but my mother isn't a ninety year old woman!" Vincent snapped.

At first Vincent had no idea who was behind the calls, but he had successfully traced the number back to Rockford Island, which was under the command of Alfred Ashford, the grandson of one of Umbrella's founders and the twin brother of the late scientist Alexia Ashford.

"Who is Alfred? This is your mother!"

"I didn't say _Alfred_ , I said _Ashford_!" Vincent growled.

"Uh, oops, I, uh," Alfred stammered, still using his old lady voice. "Uh, the stove's on fire! I have to go!"

The other line went dead, much to Vincent's pleasure. He slammed the phone down on the receiver and went back to focusing on the computer. He was snapped out of his thoughts of work with the phone ringing. He looked down at the phone and saw an unlisted number. Vincent rolled his eyes and picked it up.

"Hello?" he asked, hoping it wasn't Alfred again.

"Vincent, it's me, that woman you slept with last month!" the same old lady voice said. "I'm calling to let you know that I'm pregnaaant!"

"Alfred, if you don't stop calling me I'm going to have you killed!"

"Bring it on, you mama's boy!" Alfred said, still using the old lady voice.

The line went dead. Vincent growled and threw the phone across the room. He then ripped the cord out of the wall and went back to focusing on his computer.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Alfred laughed hysterically in his own personal office. After calming himself down, he wiped the corners of his eyes and picked up the phone, dialing the number of another employee…

 _A/N: Love it? Hate it? I have some other 'prank calls' thought up, so this story_ will _be continued. Let me know what you thought, and Happy Valentine's Day!_


	2. Victim: Annette

_Thanks for the reviews and favs. I hope you all enjoy this new chapter._

…

Deep under the streets of Raccoon City, in the labs of Umbrella, sat Annette Birkin—a high ranking scientist and wife of virologist William Birkin. The blonde woman sat alone in the lab, going over some of her husband's reports, when suddenly the phone started to ring. Thinking that it was probably her husband calling to check up on her, she answered it without a moment's hesitation.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Annette," said a raspy, masculine voice. "It's me, your husband. I'm calling to let you know that I'm leaving you for Wesker."

Annette closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She knew who the call was really from.

"Alfred, this is your saddest attempt to break up my marriage yet. William's voice isn't that raspy… also he's not gay!"

She wasn't sure why Alfred had been bugging them as of late. Perhaps it was to try and get back at her husband for taunts against his sister, or, maybe Alfred had secretly longed for her. Annette had caught him checking her out on the few occasions when they had met, which sent shivers down the woman's spine.

"Sorry Annette, my throat is strained from making out with Wesker!" Alfred continued. "Whom I am leaving you for! You should move on with your life—perhaps with a certain commander of Rockford Island?"

"Ugh, not even in your dreams!"

With that she hung up. Just as she went back to looking over the research papers, the phone rang again. Annette groaned, but picked it up anyway.

"Alfred, this better not be you calling again!"

"Annette, it's me, your daughter," a high-pitched, girly voice said. "I messed around with a boy at school and now I'm pregnaaant!"

"Alfred, nobody would be stupid enough to believe that you're a twelve year old girl! If you ever drag my family into the mud again I will cut off your balls and stick that rifle of yours up your ass!"

"Ooou, I didn't know you were so kinky!"

With a look of sheer disgust on her face, Annette slammed the phone onto the receiver. The lab was silent, much to Annette's pleasure, for a good five minutes. Unfortunately, the phone started to ring again. Annette growled and picked it up.

"What!?" she demanded.

"Annette," the real William spoke. "I just got off the phone with Sherry! She's pregnant! Also, what's this I hear about you making out with Wesker!?"

Annette slammed her face on the desk.

 _A/N: Personally I think Annette would be closer to Sherry than William would. Between making the T-Virus and G-Virus, when does he even get a day off? Feel free to leave a review._


	3. Victim: Alfred

_Thanks for the subs/favs! I hope you all enjoy this new chapter._

…

It was another rainy day at Rockford Island, and while many of the inhabitants (aka prisoners) were subjected to the elements, Alfred Ashford, the commander of the base, was comfortable and dry in his own personal office. The mentally unstable man poured himself some tea in front of a mirror, where he had been conversing with the 'reflection' of his twin, Alexia.

"I hope I made the tea to your liking," Alfred said to his imaginary sister. "They were out of the rose tea, so I got some peach instead."

"Peach? _Peach?_ Honestly, dear brother, do I look like a confederate prostitute!?"

Alfred winced, but failed the notice the wincing in his reflection.

"I'm sorry, Alexia, but a lot of people back home are drinking it. It's not just for southern-"

"If people back home started to jump off the London Bridge, would you join them?" 'Alexia' nagged.

Before Alfred could apologize any further, the phone started to ring. He gave it a quick glance before returning his attention to his sister, who was scowling at him.

"Well, aren't you going to answer it!?" she demanded.

Alfred shot up out his seat and rushed over to the desk, almost tripping in the process. He managed to catch in on the third ring, but was nearly out of breath by the time he answered.

"Hello?" he asked weakly.

"Brother, it's me, your sister, calling from beyooond the graaave!" a high-pitched and barely female voice said.

"What complete and utter rubbish! Alexia is sitting right here!"

"…what?" asked William.

"We are drinking tea. Isn't that right, my dear sister?"

'Alexia' picked up her cup and took a sip, then immediately started gagging.

"Um…Alfred, are you feeling okay?" questioned William.

"Oh I've never been better, now that my sweet Alexia has returned to me. And she is happy too. Isn't that right, Alexia?"

"I'm going to kill you in your sleep," 'Alexia' said with a snarl.

"Um…whatever, just stop calling me and my family!" William spat.

He then hung up. Alfred furrowed his brows, then shrugged and hung up as well.

"Sorry about that. It was your old rival, Birkin."

"Mm, that Birkin was a misogynistic pig, but boy were his eyes dreamy."

Alfred cringed in disgust, but was interrupted by the phone ringing again. He quickly walked back to the desk and answered it.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Excuse me, but do you have Prince Albert in a can?" asked Vincent.

"Heavens no! I only eat fresh ingredients, none of that processed garbage! You can't be too careful about GMO's."

'Alexia' let out a sigh and rubbed her temples.

"This is coming from a man who works on Bio-weapons," she mumbled.

Vincent stammered; trying (and failing) to think of something else to say.

"…well you, um, I had sex with your mother!"

"I never had a mother."

"Um…I had sex with your…father?"

"…well, I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised by that. I think his earring was on the gay side."

"Dammit, Alfred, I hate you! I hate your guts!"

The line then went dead. Alfred hung up and went back to join his 'sister'.

"What was that all about?" she inquired.

"Oh, just some solicitors. Would you like more peach tea?"

Alfred yelped and jumped out of the way as the teapot flew at him.

"A simple 'no' would have sufficed," he mumbled.

 _A/N: So I can't help but wonder if Alexia was a tea snob. Knowing her attitude it wouldn't surprise me if she was. Feel free to leave a review._


	4. Victim: Wesker

_Thanks for the subs/favs/reviews. I apologize for the long delay. Regardless of the wait, I hope you all enjoy this new chapter._

…

It was the late evening, around dinner time, and the Raccoon City Police Department was half empty. Most of the officers were out patrolling the streets or responding to emergency calls, but the members of the S.T.A.R.S. elite forces were cooped up in their headquarters. The captain of the S.T.A.R.S. Alpha unit, Albert Wesker, who was a secret agent for Umbrella, sat at his desk, looking over paperwork for the R.P.D. The other members, who were supposed to be catching up on their work, were instead chatting it up.

As Wesker continued going through the paperwork, the phone on his desk started to ring. He picked it up without a moment's hesitation.

"S.T.A.R.S. headquarters. Captain Wesker speaking."

"Albert, why have you not paid your child support!?" demanded a feminine voice.

Wesker became stiff and a chill went down his spine. The woman on the other end didn't sound like his former coworker, Muller (who had gone into hiding to escape Umbrella's grip), but he had been around the block a few times—was it possible that Jake wasn't his only child?

"Who is this?" he asked, sternly yet softly.

"You bastard! You said I was your first!"

Wesker let out a groan. Although he was by no means an honest man, he would not lie about something that petty. It soon dawned on him that the call was most likely another prank by Alfred Ashford.

"Don't you have better things to do with your time; like playing with G.I. Joes?"

It was a known fact that Alfred Ashford took his position very seriously, so any insults directed at his rank would get very deep under his skin. Wesker grinned as Alfred huffed on the other line, imaging what kind of temper tantrum the man-child was about to throw.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Alfred screamed, causing Wesker's grin to deepen. "Without my military expertise Umbrella wouldn't be half as successful at their retrieval operations!"

"Well then perhaps you should direct your time and energy into doing that," Wesker suggested.

Before Alfred could scream at him any further, Wesker hung up the phone. By that point his coworkers had stopped lollygagging and looked straight at him.

"Captain Wesker, what was that about?" asked Chris.

Wesker wanted to scowl. Although he had respect for Chris due to his skills, Chris' incessant curiosity got on Wesker's nerves—especially because Wesker had something to hide.

"Just an old friend pulling prank calls," Wesker answered dryly.

The phone started to ring again. Wesker once again picked it up.

"S.T.A.R.S. headquarters. Captain Wesker speaking."

"Wesker, I need you and your team to at the zoo. There's been reports of an active shooter holding people hostage," spoke Chief Irons.

Wesker immediately shot out of his seat. He'd dealt with armed crooks before, but never on that scale. He'd really hoped that his spy-work would end before something too crazy happened in the city, but luck, it seemed, was not on his side.

' _Good thing I really do have military training,'_ Wesker thought to himself.

With that he hung up the phone and faced his comrades.

"Alright team, I just received word of an active shooter in the Raccoon City Zoo. There seems to be hostages involved, so we need to tread very carefully."

…

The S.T.A.R.S. team arrived at the zoo just moments later. There were many cars in the parking lot, but no police cars or helicopters (save for the helicopter being piloted by Brad Vickers).

"That's odd. Shouldn't the others be here?" asked Jill.

Wesker thought the same thing. He was beginning to suspect it was another prank, but then he noticed a news van with its doors opened and equipment pulled out.

"The others might be running late," Wesker suggested, eyeing the news van. "Jill, Barry: you two head around back and look for the hostages. Joseph, I want you on standby in case we need to contact Bravo team for support. Chris and I will try to locate the shooter."

With that the team split up. Wesker and Chris brushed past the cars and entered the zoo, only to be shocked by the sight before them.

The zoo was full of people. Not people who were scared, panicking, or even wounded, but people who were just going about their business—until their eyes landed on Wesker and Chris, that is. Wesker's jaw dropped as he looked around, seeing that the news reporters were stationed at a panda exhibit, where a panda had apparently just given birth.

"Oh shit," Wesker muttered.

The attendees spotted the S.T.A.R.S. chopper flying above them and began to panic. People ran towards the entrance, shoving one another as Wesker and Chris stared in horror at the stampede heading their way. Wesker did the only thing he could think of: he ran.

"MOVE OUT!" he screamed at Chris. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RUN!"

The two men almost made it out unscathed, but were quickly pushed aside by the panicked crowd, landing uncomfortably on the concrete pavement.

…

"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!" screamed Chief Irons.

After receiving treatment for their scrapes and cuts, the Alpha team was called into Chief Irons' office to receive the scolding of their lives. Wesker wondered if the incident would result in his dismissal from the double-agent program.

"The media is all over my ass!" the chief continued to scream. "If the witnesses weren't bad enough, the local news team caught the whole thing live! Why were you there in the first place!?"

Wesker swallowed the lump in his throat and answered.

"I received a report of an active shooter with hostages."

"And who gave that report!?"

Wesker started to sweat, feeling unusually embarrassed by the whole situation.

"Well, sir, I thought it was you."

The chief's left eye twitched.

"You thought it was me!? How long have you been employed here!?"

Wesker lowered his head in shame.

"Almost two years, sir."

"Shouldn't you recognize my voice by now!?"

"I-I believe it was a prank caller, sir."

"I don't want your excuses! Now, I'll be getting back to you later. I want you and your team to return to your headquarters at once!"

Wesker and his teammates left the office, with Wesker feeling angry and humiliated. He didn't know how, but he _would_ get even with Alfred.

…

Meanwhile, on Rockfort Island, Alfred Ashford sat in front of his TV, laughing at the video clip playing before him. The reporters that had been recording the panda had panned over to Wesker and a brown haired man beside him, and the people at the zoo ran towards the entrance in panic. Though it was hard to make everything out with the shaky camera, Alfred got a good look at Wesker being shoved onto the ground by the panicked crowd.

"This was a fantastic idea, brother," spoke 'Alexia'.

"Indeed, dear sister, indeed," Alfred said with a grin.

 _A/N: So I've been wanting Alfred to prank call Wesker for a while, but I wasn't sure what would be the best way for Alfred to torture him. I finally realized that humiliation would probably be best. So far nobody knows exactly how Wesker met Jake's mother, but my personal head canon is that they met through Umbrella. Feel free to leave a review and let me know what you think, and happy Labor Day!_


	5. Victim: Alex

_Thanks for the subs/reviews/favs! I hope you all enjoy this new chapter!_

…

It was a warm, sunny day in the city of Chicago. While many people were out enjoying the fine day, most of the citizens were cooped up in traffic, school, or work. The latter was certainly true for Alex Wesker; the head (and subject) of Umbrella's top-secret eugenics project. Alex was hunched over at her desk, reading and transcribing the latest reports, when the phone of her desk rang. Figuring it was probably Spencer (again), she picked it up and answered.

"Yes?"

"Hello, Alex, this is Vincent Gibson, the head of the Sheena Island facility. I'm in Chicago and thought that perhaps you'd like to go on a date?"

Alex's heart fluttered. Like herself, Vincent had a fascination with fear, and according to reports he believed that hormones secreted during times of extreme stress could enhance his bio-weapons. This (combined with his looks and ambition) made him a very intriguing subject in her eyes. She was about to agree to the date when she realized a glaring inconsistency.

"Wait, did you say Gibson?"

"Yes, I am Vincent Gibson, the head of Sheena Island and a severe mama's boy."

A groan escaped Alex's lips. She'd heard about Alfred Ashford harassing some of the other employees, and it looked like she had become his newest target.

"His name is GOLDMAN, not GIBSON! He's Jewish…I think."

Although Goldman was usually a Jewish name, Vincent looked rather Aryan from his pictures; but then again so did most Umbrella employees. If it weren't for the fact that the Wesker candidates were made up of people from different races Alex would honestly think that Spencer was a Nazi.

"Uh, I, uh, I meant to say Goldman! I'm definitely Jewish! I love Chanukah, and, uh, Franz Kafka."

Alex had of course heard about Chanukah, but the name Franz Kafka escaped her. She made a mental note to look him up later.

"Well, if you are Jewish, I suppose you can tell me the Hebrew greeting?"

"Uh…Sh…Sharona?"

"It's SHALOM! Goodbye, Alfred!"

With that, she slammed the phone onto the receiver. She started to read reports on Hiro Wesker when the phone rang again. Alex shook her head and answered it.

"Yes?"

"Alex and Vincent, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

Alex growled and slammed the phone back on the receiver. She furiously clicked on the link to the report when a troubling thought loomed over her. How had Alfred found out about her curiosity towards Vincent? The only person she had confided that in was…

Alex's eyes shot open in horror. A wave of anger swept through her body, and she sent her fists right onto her keyboard.

" _SPENCER!_ "

…

One day earlier, Spencer had been in his leisure room, reading _The Metamorphosis_ , when he was approached by his butler, Patrick.

"Sir, I hate to disturb you, but you have a call."

Spencer growled and closed his book. Despite his ambitions, he hated having his leisure time interrupted. He walked into study room and answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Mr. Spencer, this is Vincent, the head of Sheena Island."

"Oh, you're that young man my Alex is so fond of!" Spencer chirped. "How can I be of service?"

Alfred paused on the other line. Initially he had just wanted to ruin Vincent's name, but with this new information he could play a grand prank on Alex…but he first he needed to figure out which Alex he was referring to.

"Oh? Alex who?"

"Alex Wesker. You know, Vincent, she's a very bright girl, and not a bad looker. And, not to place any pressure, but, she hasn't given me grandchildren yet…"

Alfred felt greatly confused. What did he mean by 'grandchildren'? Was Alex by some chance Spencer's illegitimate daughter? And was she related to Albert Wesker? He shook his head and quickly brushed the questions aside, deciding that he really didn't care.

"Oh, well, that will be a big problem. See, I'm calling to let you and my co-workers know that I'm impotent. Yes, I, Vincent, head of Sheena Island, can't get it up."

"…Oh, well, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, but I fail to see why I should know this."

"Well, I'm just an honest man. I have to go now: I still have more people to call."

With that the call ended. Spencer stared down at the phone with a confused gaze before hanging it up.

"I'm starting to regret putting him in charge of the Tyrants," Spencer mumbled.

Spencer had barely stepped out of the room when the phone rang again. He grumbled to himself as he walked back over to it.

"I'm never going to finish the book at this rate—Hello?"

"Hello Spencer, it's William Birkin, head of the G-Virus research. I'm calling to let you and my coworkers know that I'm impotent."

"Jesus, first Vincent, and now you? What is going on?"

"I can't say, sir, but Albert's not happy about it."

"Albert? Why would he care about your-" Spencer's jaw dropped at the sudden realization, "Oh…so that's why you guys were always hanging out at the lab…does your wife know?"

"Oh, she encourages it! Well, I've gotta go, sir! I'm meeting Albert and Annette for dinner!"

The call ended. Spencer shook his head and hung up.

"I need a vacation."

…

Back at the present time, Alex had calmed herself down with some herbal tea and was saving her files. About an hour had passed since Alfred's attempt to prank her. Alex had finally found content when the phone rang. She eyed it cautiously at first, but then decided that Alfred had probably lost interest by that point, so she answered it.

"Yes?"

"Hello, is this Alex Wesker?"

"Yes."

"Very good. My name is Vincent Goldman. I'm supposed to be arriving in Chicago tomorrow and-"

What little inner peace Alex had managed to regain shattered. Red filled her vision, and her grip on the phone became so tight that she nearly snapped it in half.

"GO TO HELL!"

With that she slammed the phone down, then grabbed her coat and stormed out of her office.

Meanwhile, on the other end of the line, Vincent stood frozen at his desk, with his phone held tightly against his ear. After the initial shock wore off, he lowered his arm and gently put the phone back on the receiver.

"Hmph, so much for the American branch's hospitality! I'll just find someone else to recruit for my project!"

 _A/N: So, I feel like Alex and Vincent probably would've gotten along pretty well if they had met; they both like white clothes, base their research on the element of fear, and hate children. Actually, the more I think about it the more I wonder if Vincent belongs to the same family that Spencer abducted Alex from. Let me know your thoughts on this chapter and the story so far._


End file.
